By Jakar Nilson
It was a dark and stormy night as every Frother tried to free themselves from the bonds that restrained them to their chairs. It was imperative that they did so, to get away from the horror of it all. Oh, no, they weren’t caught up in yet another thousand page argument, or fighting off hordes of rabid Russian mail-order brides. They were in fact looking at pictures. But not any pictures. They were family pictures. Family pictures, taken on trips. Family pictures of trolls, taken by trolls.
And the voice that accompanied these pictures was as equally torturous. Of course, it didn’t mean to be torturous, but anyone that feels so kind to show them undoubtedly is. The deep inhuman voice didn’t help either we’re told, but that’s simply what you get for having a huge troll presenting them instead of a little old lady.
"...And here’s Chancux running on the beach when he was a little tot," the troll would go on. The troll in question being one Jakar Nilson. "He used to be quite little, you know. As small as a human child..."
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As one can see by looking through this family album, sorry, showcase, there is a great variety of distinct individuals. If there are only two things that people can generally agree about trolls, it is that they are ugly and larger than humans.
The main reason to browse through this showcase is to see what companies other than Games Workshop have to offer in ways of trolls. It comes from dissatisfaction about the above mentioned company.
Even though trolls are quite varied in individual apearances, work ads for them in the classified section falls into only two categories: Those that look like the blue-skinned clan employed by Games Workshop, and those that don't. To look at the variety of blue-skins, click below:
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If you would believe the tales, the great mercenary Ghor Ghor Bey is the fiercest and most merciless of warriors. What no one mentions is that he is also the warrior of the world of the Black Moon with the best sense of humour. The jokes he could tell as he was dispatching enemy regiments...
Hiring cost: Most expensive of all, around 71 US dollars/ 40 Pounds. |
A letter I have recently received from some of my trollkin fellows informs me that they have found employment at, surprise of surprises, a Privateer Press! I never would have thought that pirates would use the Gutenberg devices, but that’s another matter. It does seem as there is more than one kind of trolls in employment, and that each is equipped as seen fit to their abilities. The one that wrote to me have been issued firearms and such, while closer kin have been charged with crushing the pulp into paper.
It does appear as if someone else has written about them before. Wait, that was me. Never mind, then...
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 9 & 13 Pounds.
 
In one area, there are two factions, that of the West Wind and the Old Glory, that constantly vie to see who is the cheapest. Those of the Old Glory have hired some of the Northern cousins, the Ice Trolls, while those of the West Wind are using poor old "Ent-like" Wally as a mount...
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 9 Pounds.
  
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A gargantuan relative from the French forges of Rackham, cousin Rouge is always somewhat enraged. Everyone always says he must be compensating for something, but I doubt it. He’s a crowd pleaser, anyways.
Hiring cost: Around 25 US Dollars/ 15 Pounds. |
There once was a dwarf known as Hasslefree. I’m not quite sure how the rest of the story goes, but after he met my far-off aquatic relative, I’m not quite convinced he was as hassle free as before. Quite a slick player, that troll.
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 6 Pounds. |
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I have this cousin who always sounds discontent. In all his letters, he goes off about the end of the world and of Heresy, simply because this barbarian by the name of Boris is always causing a ruckus in the neighbourhood. He’s really a nice fellow, once you get to know him. Really.
Hiring cost: Up to 20 US Dollars/ 9 Pounds. |
Cousin Horquila, whom you see in the picture, has a magnificent ego. Always wanting to prove himself the best, he seems to have joined the local wrestling league. I pity the league...
Hiring cost: Almost 10 US Dollars/ 6 Pounds. |
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With his axe and fist blades, Cousin Marty has managed to create microarts, surprisingly enough. The Evil Emperor, Sauron, still won’t let him or any of his clan earn a 401k.
Hiring cost: Around 30-40 US Dollars/ 17-25 Pounds. |
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There are many tales of the great wizard Ral Partha and of his recent rebirth from the Metal of the Iron Wind. Knowing how wizards usually are (either good or completely malignant with dreams of empire...), I do hope that my stalwart kin, with their gaunt features and large proboscis, manage to live long enough to receive their first paycheck.
Hiring cost: Very cheap. Will practically fight for food. Remember: Ral Partha in Europe, Iron Wind in North America. |
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Hailing from the barren wastes of the endless desert, my four armed cousin of cousins serves well the great Black Blood Empire. Unfortunately, they've recently been given leave and have been ordered to destroy all remaining molds.
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 5 & 8 Pounds, if you can find them. Look at eBay, or Ral Partha Europe, among others. |
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The Vale of the Reapers is notorious for its incessant activity. The spoils are very good, with the amount of adventurers travelling through. For that reason, many trolls of every size and shape tend to be drawn there.
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 5 & 8 Pounds. |
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I do tend to recall a mountainous region of the new world that was known by the war cries of the trolls that inhabited it. "RAFM!" they would cry before leaping into battle. It is a sight to behold, for some are quite artistic in their appearance. Some are gaunt, but the great Blue beer fills their belly to such an extent.
Hiring cost: Very cheap. Will practically fight for food. |
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It might come as a surprise, but it seems that trolls employed by the wizard Ral Partha have close family serving another kind of wizard. Their mother’s brother’s brood is currently serving under a man going by the name of Bob Olley, whom has wizard-like skill when it comes to sculpting. He sounds like one of those nice wizards...
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 7 Pounds. |
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I do not know what Em4 stands for (I assume it is a new notary code for the country whence he hails from), but I do know that Em is quite a good friend, and would never let anyone down (only, I suppose, to serve them to his guests at the table).
Hiring cost: Almost 10 US Dollars/ 5 Pounds, but the catch is 1) he's pre-painted 2) he comes with an ogre and a minotaur in a 26 US Dollars/ 16 Pounds package. |
Swaying their maces among the mighty vendels and orcs are the same famous half-trolls that strolled before the Pellenor Fields and the Gates of Mordor.
Hiring cost: Almost 10 US Dollars/ 5 Pounds. |
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Forced to mine the Misty Mountains for the Mithil ore, these relatives are quite strong and durable, though they might look like they are as fragile as resin.
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 5 & 7 Pounds. |
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There is a noble domain in France where one can learn to understand the hardships of being a troll. This place is the Hall of Mounty, where trolls can spend their time leisurely exploring tunnels and bashing what they find down there (couldn’t be dungeons- too many dragons). At all times, one can find members of at least four of the great families.
(It also happens to be an online role-playing game)
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 5 & 7 Pounds.
   
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This college of Wizards is known going through many armies in as many years. With all the wars that they involve themselves in, it might not be surprising that they need to replenish their forces. Some of the cousins I knew had enlisted into those armies. Granted, I haven’t heard of them since...
Hiring cost: No longer sold, due to plastics. Ebay and Bartertown are probably the best bet. |
While one could certainly call them 54mm Orcs, these robust brothers are quite the image of the fighting trolls of the Bronze Age vale. By their complexion and features, they are close relatives to yours truly.
Hiring cost: Between 10 & 15 US Dollars/ 5 & 7 Pounds.
  
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